M M K
My mother
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| In Memoriam: 16th September, 1946 - 11th December, 2016 |
It was a year ago that I began putting together a post that would be a sort of dedication to my late mother and even serve as some kind of therapeutic catharsis on my part. But a year ago doesn't seem like so long ago... And yet so much has changed in a revolving world that is still very much the same. We lost mum in the evening on the 11th of December, 2016. And our hearts are broken as are my thoughts and so this post may not be so coherent.
I thought I'd include some of my notes, my trains of thought before sharing with you the details of my mum's funeral service and some of the wonderful sentimental love we all hold.
"I began writing this post in January of 2016 -- on the 24th day of the month to be precise -- and with all of its associated tumultuous emotions, I thought it might be of some poignant use to me when reading back over it in the years to come. I thought it might serve a purpose.
"My mum has just started a stronger course of Immunotherapy; she had her first session administered on the 21st (which was a Thursday). Her body has reacted quite well to it actually. And by well, I mean she hasn't experienced many of the related symptoms -- such as nausea, vomiting, dizziness, diarrhoea, etc. -- except for the general weakness and diminished appetite. The weakness hasn't lasted long, in fact just a day or two. And by Saturday, she decided to do some grocery shopping with my sister (who lives with her and dad in our Hackney family home).
"Mum is currently 69 years old and will be turning 70 this year.
***
"In 1990, during her fourth and last pregnancy carrying my younger sister, mum was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Being overweight and eventually, over the years, falling down that slippery slope of poor lifestyle and bad food habits only compounded her health. Despite managing her diabetes for a long time with metformin, the doctors had to eventually persuade her to start injecting insulin as her current management was no longer working adequately... In 2007 mum was diagnosed with an ocular melanoma in her right eye, which was discovered after a routine eye test. Mum was afraid to lose her eye and so opted for radiotherapy, instead. After undergoing the treatment with radioactive eye plaque, she managed to retain the eye and the tumour shrunk to the point that she was in remission but pretty much lost the sight of her eye. In 2013, after a harsh winter and a nasty flu, mum found that her cough was not improving. After a referral from the GP a shadow was detected on her lungs. She underwent a painful biopsy to extract a small tumour but the remaining nodules were too small to remove and it was revealed that the cancer from her eye (which had slowly regrown) had spread to her lungs. This was a devastating blow for the family and so it became a matter of urgency to remove the eye in 2014.
"By 2015, she was to have a lump removed from under her skin on the abdomen and in 2016 we learnt that her cancer had spread from her lungs to the liver. [EDIT: After dad's passing in July, mum's health worsened and her mobility, impacted... She was diagnosed with brain cancer and given only months.]
"Her mind, unlike her body, is as ever... Resilient."
***
You can read some of our memories shared below.
A Celebration of the Life of Maureen Kondell
City of London Crematorium 30th December 2016 at 10.45The Minister's Speech and Funeral Service Welcome
"We come together to say goodbye to Maureen. To honour her. To pay tribute to her. And to give thanks for her life.
"And to offer love and support to one another at such a difficult time. A time made even more painful as it is just five months since we were here saying goodbye to Vibert.
"Maureen passed away at the Homerton Hospital on the 11th of December, 2016; she was 70. She had been ill for a number of years having been diagnosed with a melanoma which led to the loss of the sight in one eye. But the treatment she was receiving seemed to be working and then, in more recent times, this September you were given the terrible news that this was no longer the case, and she developed a brain tumour. This impacted on her mobility and her independence, and eventually she was no longer able to get out of bed.
"She was taken into hospital when the district nurse was concerned about her, but you were expecting her to get better. She didn’t appear to be in too much pain and in general she seemed quite perky, and hoping to be home again, maybe in time for Christmas.
"But things suddenly deteriorated rapidly. You rushed to get in to see her. Pam was able to get there, and Angela and the children just made it before she passed away. So they were able to say goodbye.
"You’re still in shock that this has happened. You knew how ill she was but you thought you’d have her with you for much longer than this. And friends and neighbours can’t believe it either – she was so well known in the neighbourhood, you’ve been stopped in the street many times by people asking after her. Even the postman and the local taxi driver. And you’ve had to break the sad news that she has gone.
"Everyone loved Maureen; she was able to make friends wherever she went. Even those she had never met feel like they knew her as her children were always talking about her, and about Vibert, too.
"Maureen was such an active and independent person. Bright and bubbly. Someone who spread love, kindness and happiness all about her. Always positive and able to look on the bright side.
"And colourful, in both her personality and the colours she loved to wear, especially her favourite blue.
"And most of all, like Vibert, Maureen was all about family – they meant everything to her. Neither had any brothers and sisters and so they both wanted a large family.
"Their four daughters Susan, Angela, Tessa and Pamela. And grandchildren Rhianna, Shay and Brandon, and Eden, Lydia and Drayven. I have spent time with them and they have shared their thoughts and memories with me so that I can lead our ceremony, and of course I had the honour of meeting Maureen too, as we all created Vibert’s funeral together.
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| Mum and Dad with my older sisters (from left to right), Angela and Susan. |
"Maureen found such comfort in that ceremony that we have created a similar farewell to her too, just as she would have wanted. A ceremony that involves all the family in tributes, in prayer, family photos, and later on the grandchildren will give their nanny the pictures they’ve drawn and help close the curtains around her. All soft and gentle like they were when they spent time comforting her when she was ill.
"And sad though this day is, I know that you are also taking comfort in knowing that Maureen and Vibert are reunited once more.
"Maureen, we say goodbye to you with love and respect and dedicate today to you."
Tribute
"Maureen was born in Bow, the only child of Maud and John Kneriem, and so an East End girl all her life. There were a lot of cousins living locally and they played a lot together so she wasn’t lonely.
"Maureen wasn’t one for school, especially when she was picked on by another girl, also called Maureen. One day she’d had enough and yanked her by her plaits. She never bothered her after that.
"As soon as she could Maureen left school to start work, working mostly in factories which she enjoyed as she made so many friends. And the pencil case factory she worked in was very well placed near the Roman Road so she could have her favourite pie and mash as often as she wanted. And fish and chips on a Friday.
"Maureen and Vibert met when they were both in their 30s. A friend of Maureen’s invited her to dinner. ‘I hope you’re not setting me up’ Maureen said to her. Her friend assured her she wasn’t but there was Vibert, and Maureen was struck by his charm and good looks and they finally got married on 9th September 1980 (although, Vibert had asked her many times – she said she needed to be sure!).
"Sadly, there are no pictures of them together on their big day; the camera a cousin had brought didn’t work properly and so the only pictures of them are the ones they took of each other.
"When it was just the two of them they might go on a day trip or to some gardens or the pictures, but once the children came along they were both happy to be at home all together so they rarely went out alone.
"As Maureen and Vibert rarely went out together, date night would be watching a spaghetti western or a Sylvester Stallone action movie after the children had gone to bed. And they loved all those biblical epics – Ben Hur, The Robe, Samson and Delilah, or a musical – Maureen really loved the Elvis movies - but Vibert drew the line at these and Maureen had to watch them on the sly instead.
"The family enjoyed lots of days trips and outings together – Victoria Park, the zoo, the seaside, and Maureen went on all the school trips too. They always went to your parent’s evenings and school work was very important, especially for Vibert who saw to it that you always did your homework.
"Maureen was always there for them. Walking them to school and picking them up, apart from the time she almost brought the wrong child home after chatting to the mother of Pam’s friend a little too long; she grabbed the nearest child by the hand and was nearly home before she realised and had to go back to get Pam who was patiently waiting to be collected.
"Dinner was always on the table and cooked from scratch every day when you were all young. Maureen was an outrageous cook in many ways, just throwing together what was to hand. It might be something fairly standard like macaroni cheese but it could just as easily be bubble and squeak or a fish finger curry. The girls liked to help her, watching all the experiments and it’s probably where you all got a love of cooking too.
"And at Christmas time Maureen and Vibert would start preparing weeks in advance to make sure they had all the goodies in and buy lots of presents – one would be a Barbie of course– and you had to wait until after dinner to open them, as long as you’d eaten your sprouts. And dad would try and get you to save some gifts for Boxing Day.
"Vibert was more of the disciplinarian but Maureen was such a softie, although Angela could be a bit cheeky at times and very determined with it too. One day she cheeked her mum one time too many and was given a smack. ‘That didn’t hurt’ Angela said defiantly. So out came a ruler. And when that didn’t work it was a hairbrush and then the wet wooden spoon. In the end Maureen had to resort to her old favourite and yanked her hair. That did the trick.
"The household was a busy one as there were always animals there too, and usually a cat. They once had a dog – Jumbo – but it was so hard when she passed away that you didn’t get another. Bambi is the newest member of the family, and before that Blondie, who just came in and adopted the family – she knew when she was onto a good thing, and neither Maureen or Vibert could leave an animal in need, even an injured bird from the garden would be taken in. And she was surrounded by her huge collection of ornamental elephants.
"If she was at home Maureen liked to knit, especially clothes for the babies and has passed that skill onto Angela. Or she’d get out one of her puzzle books and do a word search or Suduko. You could find one of her books in every corner and under every cushion.
"Or it might be a jigsaw – animals, flowers or if she wanted a really hard one it was a picture of baked beans or popcorn. The last one she did was with Angela – an Egyptian scene.
"And if she was out you’d more than likely find Maureen at the launderette. It was more like a social club and she could easily wile away the afternoon with her friends Maureen, Jean and Janice, long after the washing had actually finished. She would never have a washing machine at home, despite how much you tried to persuade her. Where would the fun be in that?
"Or she might walk all the way to Leyton to do the shopping, giving her lots of opportunity to talk to whoever she met. If you were with her you could quite easily believe she’d met up with an old friend given how long she’d chat for, only to discover she’d never met the person before. Maureen could happily tell anyone her life story and all about her girls and how proud she was of all of you.
"And it was the same with the grandchildren too. She gave such lovely cuddles, and sing songs with them – twinkle twinkle and I’m a little teapot, and Rhianna always got an ice-cream on the way back from nursery.
"There might have not been much money around by there was one thing that they never went without, and that was love.
"After she lost Vibert, five months ago, Maureen missed him so very much but her devotion to her family meant that she was able to carry on for a time and she had the loving care of her children in return. She cracked her usual jokes, and even when she was so poorly at the end she still managed to flirt a little, kissing the hand of the A&E doctors, and thank the nurses for looking after her, some would call her mum.
"The family wish to thank all those who have shown kindness and care to Maureen throughout her illness. Friends who came to see her when she could no longer get out. And a special mention to Maureen’s carer, who helped her so much and became more like a friend.
"Maureen was such a special lady. She kept in good spirits right till the end and would want you to do the same too.
"You’ll miss her so much and it’s of some great comfort to know that she and Vibert are now together and will always be watching over you.
Kade's Speech
"I had the honour of meeting Maureen and Bert in what appears to be another lifetime. Perhaps this speaks to my handle on time, or just the mark that they left on my life, personally, and without a doubt – the life of their beautiful family. I’ve already said my share about Bert in such a setting, and will likely always have something to say, but regrettably, this is the moment for his better half, Maureen.
"As always, I am going to have to speak honestly from my own experience, as one can’t help but indulge in a bit of narcissism when trying to honour the loss of someone near and dear.
"When I was first introduced to Maureen at the front door of their house, she trotted through the hallway with a firm expression etched across her face. I didn’t know what I was in for, but I thought Tessa was in trouble, or worse yet, I was in trouble. She got to the door and I was now on the receiving end of a bear hug – the woman has a solid grip – and this became our thing ever since. She referred to me as her man, her boy, her favourite boy, her big boy and a whole host of other flattering terms of endearment that I’d probably spend the entire day covering. After this initial encounter, I was left bemused. I thought to myself, in rather frank terms; “What’s wrong with this woman? How can she be so unbelievably amiable? Should I be on the lookout for a hidden basement or something in this house? This can’t be right.”
"I’ve never known mothers, especially when they meet strangers for the first time, to react in such an outlandishly friendly and welcoming manner. We all know that just like people, mothers tend to be all over the place – some good and some not so great. Anyone can appreciate the fact that many mothers can have an involved and caring touch towards their children as well as other human beings, and conversely, there is no shortage of mothers that fail at exercising basic compassion towards their children. A man I knew once jokingly told his son that while his own mom was great, his wife – the son’s mother – was mad enough to belong inside a padded cell, but that the son had to settle with his lottery ticket. I didn’t get the joke, either. I think the man was just glad that his mother was not as crazy as the mother of his child.
"Anyway, despite all that can be said about the greatness of women who shine in motherhood, Maureen still came across as reality-defyingly odd. Yes, some mothers are exceptionally great, and then there’s Maureen. Her kindness wasn’t some mere transient novelty, only to appear in austere bouts, because since that initial meeting of ours, there hasn’t been one moment – not even in the darkest of times – where I have seen her become visibly angry or unpleasant. Even when she’d be sad, or the family as a whole would be facing real problems – she and Bert shared tortuously punishing battles with cancer – she would fall back on light-hearted humour without dwelling on the negative. Throughout the years, if I was under her care, she would do everything to take care of me; even when I have never once asked for such care, she would go leagues beyond her limits and help out anyway. These were qualities that defied the barriers of normalcy to a degree of frustration.
"Again, I never understood why, but I could not doubt for a moment the fact that I was indeed witnessing something so exceptional that most would have a hard time believing such an experience. She and her husband had a unique synergy – so very different yet so very alike, and they made it work, which probably spoke to Maureen’s extraordinarily unique and kind temperament.
"The reality that has been dawning on me repeatedly, and won’t stop until I can no longer think, is the fact that there was nothing wrong with this woman. In a mixed-up world of mixed up people and ugly vestigial traces of everything that is wrong, she was in many ways, everything that was right. She may have been least interested in handling the ugliness of the practical world, but she was caring and engaging to the immediate needs of anyone she came across without hesitation. This was a woman who shed the deepest of tears for the suffering of others across the world. She may have not harboured an insatiable hunger for constant indulgences, but she gracefully and sincerely enjoyed her own little amusements in life to the absolute fullest. Bert despised sleazy opportunism and material greed – traits that he despondently felt were quite innate to human beings in general, and yet Maureen effortlessly embodied the antithesis to such a mindset. Like I said, she was everything that was right in a world that was always far too wrong, even to her, and with her and her husband gone, it is that much bleaker.
"At least they have left a rich legacy behind and I hope that we’ll always remember Maureen’s extraordinary character and example in life going forward. A living embodiment of unsullied kindness and a lifelong lesson in grace. Her motherly care and consideration for all – the worthy and the unworthy – will never be forgotten."
Mum had the kindest of hearts.
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