V G K
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| My dad had glorious hair! Here he is in Trafalgar Square. |
Today, we would have been celebrating my dad's 78th birthday. It has been four months... And instead of having him here with us, to bemoan yet another celebratory card, we are spending this day remembering him in every way that we can, both big and small, as we hold him near to us in our words, our smiles and forever in our hearts. Having been quite absent, I still can't seem to find the appropriate expression... But my husband has always had an impressive way with words and so penned a beautiful tribute to my father, which he delivered at the close of his memorial service in July.
But before I relay Kade's speech, I'd first like to share the words of the minister, who having never met my dad, collected stories from family members and put together her own few words of which you can read below:
The Minister's Speech Began with a Poem by Clare Jones:
As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgement,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We're thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.
"We have gathered together to say goodbye to Vibert. A much loved
husband, father and grandfather. And a good and kind neighbour to those he knew
and those he didn’t, a man who would help anyone out if he could.
"Vibert died on the 10th of July in Homerton Hospital;
he was 77. [His family remained with him in his last moments but it was] Pam [my younger sister] who was with him in the end. He had suffered with poor health for many years,
ever since being diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma in 1990.
"He hated being in hospital and had been a patient many times over
the years. But throughout those years he still thought about others, often putting
the needs of everyone else above his own. He was not one for socialising, but everyone knew about Vibert,
even if they’d never met him as the family was always talking about him. The
doctors and nurses all knew and liked him. The girls’ teachers enjoyed seeing
him at parents evening. He was always so charming and likeable.
"Vibert was all about family – they meant everything to him. His
wife Maureen. Daughters Susan, Angela, Tessa and Pamela. And grandchildren Eden,
Lydia, Rihanna, Drayven, Shay and Brandon. I have spent time with Vibert’s family and they have shared some
of their thoughts and memories with me so that I can lead our ceremony and tell
you a little about Vibert’s life. And later on we’ll hear a more personal
family tribute read by Kade, Tessa’s husband.
"We’ll also see a slideshow of some of the family’s favourite
photos taken over a lifetime of happy times together.
"Vibert loved listening to music - Jazz, Country and Western, Fats
Domino and he was always singing or whistling and would drive the family mad by
tapping his plate in time to the rhythm as the family ate dinner. Later on
we’ll hear one of his favourites, Johnny Cash.
"Vibert wasn’t a religious man but naturally at such a gathering we
all have our own beliefs and ways of looking at the world so we will take time
for reflection and prayer so that we can all think about Vibert in a way that
is meaningful for us.
"Vibert we say goodbye to you with our love and respect and
dedicate our ceremony to you."
Tribute
"Vibert was born in Georgetown Guyana and raised by his aunt and
grandmother whilst his mother was working all day to support the family. Money
was tight and Vibert sometimes had to go without shoes, so he often had to miss
out on school trips. There wasn’t always enough food on the table either and so
Vibert might climb over into the neighbour’s garden and pick the fruit from the
trees, or cut a hole in a sack of rice in town and fill a bowl to take home to
his mum.
"Every morning he had a hard-boiled egg to eat on the way to
school, something he carried on throughout his life and wanted the girls to
have one too. He talked fondly of the freshness of the food and the hot weather
and he couldn’t swim but that didn’t stop him going into a river to rescue a
drowning dog, even though the owner didn’t seem overly grateful.
"Vibert wanted to better himself and be the best person he could be
and felt that he could gain getter opportunities in the UK and so he came to
London in 1960, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts which he wore throughout
the cold English weather despite the advice of a friend who said ‘you need to
get yourself a jacket!’
"Mind you, he was never especially bothered about clothes and pretty
much wore the same sort of thing -black trousers and a white shirt. He’d ask
for things, cardigans or socks, but many of them remained unused in the
cupboards. However he always longed to have a long white silk nightshirt and
finally he has one and wherever it is he’s gone, he’ll be the belle of the
ball!
"Maureen and Vibert met on a bind date. A friend of Maureen’s
invited her to dinner. ‘I hope you’re not setting me up’ Maureen said to her.
Her friend assured her she wasn’t but there was Vibert, and Maureen was struck
by his charm and good looks and they married on 9th September 1980, and when it
was just the two of them they might go on a day trip or to some gardens or the
pictures. And then they became a family. Vibert had been studying medicine
but once the girls came along he knew he wanted to be with the family instead
and provide for them. And so he worked as a civil servant moving swiftly up the
ranks until he had to retire on health grounds.
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| Mum and Dad in their heyday before us kids came along. |
"He saw education as extremely important and so homework had to be
done before anything else, and the girls weren’t allowed out to play. He’d help
out with school work, making sure he’d read the text book first. He was quite a
strict dad, although he’d feel guilty if he’d been particularly cross and would
go out and buy them yet another Barbie doll. There are 170 in the house because
as well as bad conscience buys it was also a Barbie for your birthday or for
Christmas or Easter. And they enjoyed family day trips to Victoria Park or the Zoo,
Southend and Margate. He’d never go on holiday because he was a home bird and
didn’t like to leave Maureen’s mum at home on her own – she was living with
them after her husband had died.
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| He had dreams of becoming a doctor but gave up his studies in the end to focus on providing for his family. |
"Vibert loved his food, although couldn’t cook himself – but made
sure he supervised you if you were cooking his favourite Channa. And he hated
eating out too; much preferring Maureen’s home cooked food. And so it was very
annoying if you were eating out and he’d say he didn’t want any but would end
up stealing your chips.
"He probably thought eating out was a waste of money – he was a
saver, made sure everything was paid up, that he didn’t owe anyone anything and
that his family would be provided for. He collected anything and everything too
– nothing was wasted. A piece of paper only printed on one side could be scrap
paper, useful for working out maths homework. Or one big envelope could be made
into two.
"And he was hopeful about adding to the family finances by playing
the Euro Lottery and the Pools before that. He was never very lucky though,
having had his big chance when he once picked all 10 winners on an accumulator
at the races, but he’d not actually put any money on!
Whilst Vibert was a strict father he was a very soft granddad. He
was so good with the babies. "He’d walk them up and down if they were fractious
in the night. Kept them calmly on his knee when they had their injections and
could get them settled or off to sleep where others couldn’t.
"And they loved him too. His cuddles and his tickles. The walks to
nursery and school, just like he had his own children – in fact he carried on
walking Angela to school throughout secondary school too.
"He’d sit in the corner of the living room in his seat, reading The
Daily Mail or the Times, or playing a game with them and then later when he was
poorly one of them would go and lie near him and pat his hand.
"He was so kind to Maureen’s family. Her father died not long after
Angela was born and Vibert sorted out all the funeral arrangements and then
insisted that her mother moved in with them, dividing the living room into two
separate rooms when she could no longer get up and downstairs.
"When Maureen’s own health was poor he’d always go with her to her
hospital appointments but also find the time to help out others too – getting a
cup of tea for someone in casualty, helping a nurse who was having problems
getting a wheelchair up properly, even getting up from his own hospital bed to
help another patient.
"Vibert’s body was getting increasingly weaker, and this time, he
was just not able to recover and he passed away on the 10th of July.
"It’s still a shock, despite his failing health. Life will be very
different without him, but you can take some comfort from knowing that he is at
peace, still watching over you and safely reunited with the family that has
already gone before him. And looking very smart in his lovely silk nightshirt.
"Vibert believed it was important to talk about things and not
bottle them up and that there would always be a family meeting about any
important decisions. Vibert’s legacy was to love and support his family and to
take care of one another, which you can take forward in your families too and
future generations."
***
Kade's Speech
“Following
on from the great words that have been said about Vibert, I would like to talk
about some things specific to the nature of the man who earned his celebrated greatness
and standing. One can only reflect on and speak openly about his virtues
through one’s own experiences, and in that regard, I certainly have a few
things to say about Bert. The only challenge leading up to this statement has
been the arduous task of paring back so much more – by the volumes of books – that
could be said about his uniquely noble persona.
“It
goes without saying that it is easy to celebrate the qualities of individuals –
too easy, I’d suspect, which is a point that Vibert himself understood and
often acknowledged sardonically about this world. It’s quite another challenge to
see the honour, the principles and the sacrifices of strong individuals as they
persevere in the face of the tribulations of happenstance and personal anguish,
of which Bert was a sage veteran. To really appreciate and celebrate the extraordinary
canvas – both of battle and of prosperity – that is Vibert’s life and legacy,
it is with absolutely no doubt that I say this man’s virtues stood the test of
time under the best and the worst of circumstances, which is a rare testament
to human character.
“He
embodied deep-rooted kindness in the face of a rational cynicism and scepticism
about the world. Anyone who is even vaguely familiar with the Kondell family
will know of their universal generosity, something that was guided by Vibert
and Maureen’s moral compass – a fact that I regret not confessing in absolute
words to Bert himself, for despite the general state of his guarded nature for
his family, and rightfully so, I was always welcomed from the get-go, and
assimilated into his tribe with his arms open in ways that were both surreal
and overwhelming.
“He
judiciously epitomised optimism for his family’s outlook, while still
harbouring a deeply admirable and intellectual grip on the pessimistic aspects
of reality. Vibert often saw the world for what it was, which wasn’t a pleasant
burden to carry, but never once did he let this jade his hopes, expectations
and desires for his family’s unity and happiness. After all, he often snidely
referred to himself as the peacemaker in times of strife, and a problem solver
in moments of chaos, even if it all came at personal cost of great discomfort –
a noteworthy lesson that he tried to teach us all at some point or the other.
“He
took care of everything to the last letter even at his most fragile and without
ever inconveniencing anyone else, and he was a man who wasn’t afraid of being a
paradox of emotions and perspectives because he saw the dreary for what it was
and despite that, he made the absolute best of it all for those whom he
sheltered under his care.
“On
a very personal angle, I found an intellectual kindred spirit in Vibert.
Despite his endless patience and tolerance, he was often least amused by small
talk and was either looking for dark humour or deep meaningful conversation about
history, politics, philosophy and even science – a common pastime that he and I
indulged in often enough to have the rest of the family rolling their eyes, even
to the point of inducing the odd headache. I have always missed such company
and conversation when other matters got in the way. Bringing this up, I am
reminded of something Bert said – in a moment of solidarity – that he and I
would be staring at the same moon and the same constellation of stars no matter
the distance between us on the geography of this planet. That touching
sentiment may no longer be the case in exact terms, but as with all matter in
this universe, I now see him in those stars, and what conversation I miss, I
will continue to relive and have with myself thanks to his many great polemics to
which I was both a co-conspirator and honoured member of the audience.
“To
cleave and whittle all that has been stated down to a closing testimony. I’ll
say that Vibert is a legend! The man fought through the bleakest of ordeals,
especially the medical, and by the decades, like a proud warrior, but also with
the tempered humility of a graceful stoic. It was an honour to have known him,
to have been part of his tribe – to have him as close family and as an
intellectual friend. He will be loved always and will hold a distinct place in
our minds until the day we perish, but not before passing on his amazing and
legendary life to the next generation, who will do the same, just as we have
done with our children – his grandchildren.
“Here’s
to you, Vibert, and the indelible mark that you’ve left on this world – a mark
that we carry forward with absolute pride.”
